I could sleep now but I don't feel like it

Have you ever over-tightened a lug nut so that the lug just went ahead and broke? I guess I don't know my own strength.....or my Alfa's lug's weakness. I tighten those lugs a lot because a wheel fell off the car once while I was driving. I wouldn't worry about it happening again if it weren't for, ya know......the dying! So I just tightened my way into a nice repair bill. I guess I'll drive the Japanese car tomorrow.

My dog is a really beautiful individual. Yesterday, I broke down and watched the whole Eagles game. When they would show Dog Hitler's face on the screen she would leave the room to boycott. Of course the most evil person in sports has to be the best athlete as well.

My wife suffers from migraines. That's a really bad deal.

Lafayette Hill is a cool place to live. I'd recommend it to anyone. Two improvements: (1) find a way to make Ridge Pike 4 lanes all the way to Roxborough; (2) straighten Butler Pike at Germantown. The latter intersection disrupts traffic headed to and from the mall and turnpike. I know they'd have to knock down some 300 year old building where George Washington probably romanced some ladies. Small price to pay! Someone get the wrecking ball. I guess the crooked intersection wasn't so bad when twenty horse-drawn carriages passed through it on a given day.

Now that Joe Morgan was fired by ESPN, and we don't have to listen to him anymore, can someone cue up Chris Wheeler?

I asked a pro-Palestinian friend at work where she thought the Jews should go. She was raised in a household to hate Zionism. Her parents forgot to tell her that the alternative is Jewicide. She suggested Haiti.

No matter how much money people make, I can understand them spending it. I think if I had Ryan Howard's paycheck, it could still go into toilet paper, pool chemicals, Alfa Romeo repairs and of course band gear.

If I was as handsome as Charlie Sheen, I'd be jerkier than I am now, but not as jerky as he is.

It would be cool if Brett Myers was punched out by Dog Hitler the way Mrs. Myers was belted by Brett, and better yet if Myers had some vicious dogs that ate Dog Hitler in retaliation.

Does anyone know the pro band that used to employ me? That's a WT outfit!

Obama hasn't really turned around the economy, has he? Yes, these things are cyclical. He should invent the microchip and the internet. That's what Clinton and Gore did, respectively. Obama only cares about the poor. Does complaining about that sound unfair to criticize? Listen up poor people: when you tax 'the rich,' you are taxing EMPLOYERS and then they stop employing. Lesson learned?

I think departments of insurance should spend all their time investigating consumer complaints and none of it regulating insurers. It's called "Capitalism" and I can tell you from the inside that their regulation is often getting consumers higher premiums and narrower coverage.

My dad sure is against the death penalty. I should spend equal energy supporting it. He'll say things like, "where do we get the right to take away someone's life?" Well, where do we get the right to incarcerate someone and take away their freedom? Plus, electric chairs are like Alfa Romeos. You feel better having one if you can put some mileage on it. Otherwise, it's just a money pit and no fun to own. Cop-killers are good candidates to receive it. Also, mega-repeat-offender-animal-torturers....who perhaps are left-handed and play quarterback. Whoops, I forgot. He said he "made a mistake" and I think he said he's really sorry too.

Jerry Jones might be a good President. At least he gets good and angry when things go poorly. And Kim Kardashian would be a good first lady. Duh.

How come when Ryan Howard plays poorly people say he stinks, and when Chase Utley plays poorly, they say he must be hurt? Read this: Ryan Howard will go down as a better ballplayer than Utley. Rookie of the Year. MVP. 58 homers. These are historic things. Utley gets pumped up a bout 30 per cent because the girls like him. It's the same reason that Darren Daulton is remembered as a better player than he was (.245 lifetime). At least Utley advocates humane animal treatment!

If I'd had a bunch of Toyota Corollas instead of the Chevy Citation, '83 Charger, '86 Plymouth Turismo and the current Alfa, I think I'd be rich and retired.

I think women know that flatulence is funny, but they're all trained to act like they don't. They must learn that before 3rd grade when boys aren't paying attention to them yet.

My son is off-the-charts handsome. I think he'll do well with women....provided they like a man who enjoys singing randomly, "800-588-2300, Empire TODAY!"

Pandora really is a cool free on-line service. Thanks to Hank for that one! Speaking of Hank, his flatulence is so gross that it's almost not funny.....but that in itself is funny.

I think of some random people reading this and wonder if they'll conclude I'm a weirdo, while I have tried to position myself as a non-weirdo (SB?). Hey, I have one wife, 2 kids, 1 dog and a (non-picket) fence. Is any of that still considered normal? I think being up at around 1 A.M. blogging is probably pretty conventional in 2010 as well.

In a blog which includes references to both my dog Lexi, and flatulence, I would be remiss in not pointing out that her breath is worse than Hank's flatulence. Her face really does smell like garbage and feces and dead people and Soul Asylum music wrapped into one. Her face is a paradox because it looks so cute. I like to let her lick up a plate near my wife so that the wife is enveloped in the dog stink-breath. That's as funny as a Dutch oven and is less documentably cruel.

We have this one neighbor who is sort of a white collar crook. He fixes basement leaks, only the crooked part is that he doesn't fix basement leaks. I referred to him as a 'toolbox' some years ago. Danielle, then maybe 5 years old, repeated it as "The Toolboxer" and the name has stuck. That guy is about the worst feature of Lafayette Hill.

I'm trying to weave a couple themes together here like Norm MacDonald does. I think he's terrific. Laurie and I saw him at Helium and we literally sat within 10 feet of him. While he manages to cast an unhealthy image about himself, I think he actually looked good and healthy. He was definitely funny. Those who spend time with me know that I like to 'be' him and also Christopher Walken.

I think Ed Stefanski has about as much power with the Sixers these days as Wade Phillips has with the Dallas Cowboys (yes, I heard Phillips got fired). I think when people within the Eagles organization try to take some power, Andy Reid eats their young.

Well, maybe now I've gotten enough out of the day. Tomorrow I have a business lunch in....(Drum roll please, Jonathan): NEW JERSEY! So now I'm surely envied.

Thanks to anyone who read this far (surely a victim of real insomnia).